I am
exhausted
cowed
aprehensive
anticipatory
resigned
nervous
steeled
defeated
relaxed
blessed
loved
okay.
——————–
Made Christmas cookies today. Spent all day mixing, rolling, cutting, baking, frosting, and fraternizing. Saw immediate and extended Lawyer family. Wasn’t sure how well it went off… seemed like the actions were there without the cheer, somehow, though looking back on it now that can’t have been true. I guess it’s just not the same without my sister and Lonnie. I miss Lisa, and I’m really not looking forward to Christmas this year. I feel like I did a shit job with presents, and I don’t know how I could have done better. I’m worried about making phone calls on Christmas day to try and sound enthused about what I sent, though it was the best I could do with my time, money, and resources this year. I guess I just don’t like sending anything but the best to my sister and my parents, and I didn’t give anything anywhere near what they deserve this year. Stupidly, this all makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong, like said something I shouldn’t have, and I should be in trouble for this sort of behavior. Boo.
Here’s to tomorrow, which is now today, and it being more cheerful and lighthearted.