Turncoat
O, blog. Without you where would I dump by brain overflow? I mean, besides onto Lewis.
Much excitement in the first few weeks of school. Notably, today I picked an advisor! It’s the same person I’d had in mind for the last few quarters, but I finally just took the plunge. It makes sense in certain ways, and it somewhat of a poor fit in others. I’m trying really hard not to pigeonhole myself though, and take it for what it offers – opportunity, money, resources, plans, goals… – and not worry too much about the ways in which I don’t fit the paradigm. The truth of the matter is, I’m not a single-domain sort of person, and any advisor I pick is going to have a focus that’s not wholly my own. So I’ve settled on a useful one, and now I need to make the best of it.
Being comfortable in your own skin is a very difficult thing to consistently be. I’m feeling three times as comfortable being me this year than this time last year. TAing is going well; it’s not as terrifying as it could be, and my relationship to my students is only one facet of the nature of my studenthood. My classes are going well, but again they only make up another small portion of my life, which is tempered by reality. I have no idea what papers I’m going to write for either class, but as for now it’s not causing me any stress. My advisor is teaching one, and said that a research proposal could be submitted in place of a paper. Given that we’re working on developing a research proposal anyway, this could be a rather advantageous overlap. My favorite professor is teaching the other one, and the subject is something I really do not excel in, but I’m feeling confident I can bend the matter into something useful for myself.
The strangest thing about being a second year is the odd semblance of a plan forming in the horizon. It’s at times completely terrifying, and at others rather soothing. Today, I feel soothed. From this vista, I can see the four things that must happen between where I’m standing now, and my doctorate. There’s a paper I must finish this year. I’m not sure what that’s going to be on yet, but I have two nascent but promising ideas. One easier than the other, the other more useful than the first. One of them will get done. And when it’s done, I’ll have a masters. I have a second paper to do, the one which I intend to be this research project with said advisor. It should be the pilot for the research that will be my dissertation. When it’s done, and I’ve taken my oral exam, I advance to candidacy. From there to the PhD is a blur of having no classes, and doing a lot of self-guided research. This is where the architecture of the lab comes in particularly handy – some structure in an otherwise structureless life. The only thing keeping life moving steadily forward – classes – are coming to a close. After this year, we needn’t take classes full time, or at all. Provided that I’ve finished the set amount before I write that second paper, my time is my own. The idea of finally running out of classes to take seems impossible, but it’s true. At some point, it’s research, not ritual.
On that note, I have some work for classes to undertake. I should enjoy it while I can!