Hurrah for game nights. This was a good one! It’s always lovely to have Heather and Kevin over… and I really needed it today.
I got up pretty early, but it was so cold outside I didn’t really want to get up. Frost all over, and even at 9:00 it was still only 32 degrees by my thermometer! Warmed up decently as the day wore on, certainly nothing like the big snow they’re getting back home. I’d give just about anything to be stuck in Seattle inside a toasty house and surrounded by snow. Listening to everyone get all giddy and half-assedly panicking about it is enough to make me pretty homesick.
I’ve been feeling a bit like I’m in a void lately. I’ve sent out several emails about nothing important, but not heard back from anyone. I started to wonder if my email was even working. I made some phone calls, appointments, all that… but as soon as I’ve done it, it no longer feels real. I’ve taken care of some business, but it doesn’t actually effect my life. I just go on, through the motions, doing what ever it is I told myself I was supposed to be doing… not because I want to, but because some past me decided I was supposed to, and so that’s what I do. It’s a little like I’m driving as fast as I can down the freeway with no destination, but with a series of directions that say “turn left now” and apply regardless of my location. For instance, tomorrow I know I must send two packages. I can’t remember what I’m putting in them, and keep forgetting whether or not I’m done shopping for the people they are intended for. But regardless, the physical boxes with peoples names written on them will be sent and thus Christmas will be saved. I guess.
Which is why we needed to have company over tonight. To make me operate in the present. To make me make decisions that had immediate real-world application. To make me feel like I have my shit together even when I clearly do not. Though sometimes I think that maybe I do have my shit together, but I just don’t know it, and that makes me feel like I’m losing it. I feel like one of those tiny dogs who can chase its tail until it gets dizzy and falls over. I’m getting dizzy, and I’m not doing anything more worthwhile than pursuing the feeling that what I’m looking for is right outside my vision. If only I could turn around fast enough to catch it, I’d have hope and cheer and holiday joy.
Nights like this make me wonder if this is what’s hard about graduate school as a concept – not the workload, but the mental distraction and state of constant movement. At this point in my life, with this focus on wanting roots and family, it seems like I should be working in some decent paying job so I could afford all the presents I wanted to send, and so I could spend the money and take the time off to see my family, and maybe even start a family of our own. But all of that seems infinitely more put-off-able than postponing (i.e., never getting) your PhD. And I’ve wanted a PhD way longer than I’ve wanted a family, though it seems callous to measure it by that standard. Everything seems callous when you measure it against giving your everything for your children, even those of the future unborn type.
I just don’t know what it’s all about.