Nap at the in-laws house. Wok…
Nap at the in-laws house. Woke up alone? Oh dear!
Archive for life
Toasty! Tea!
What a wonderful relaxing day!
I slept like a rock and got up pretty late this morning. Lewis and I wanted to get out and get some fresh air today, so we went out to breakfast (lunch, actually, we missed the breakfast hours!) and then out to the wildlife preserve on the causeway by Sacramento. We spent a few hours walking the levy out there, looking at birds and admiring the wonderful view. We could see Mt. Diablo, the Sierras (all snowy!), the coast range, and even the Sutter Buttes! Bird sightings were also excellent. Got to see a Harrier hawk, some shovellers, a very nice kite, a merlin, and some more regular folks – snowy egrets, mallards, and red winged black birds! Much great success. The wind was pretty stiff and the air pretty crisp, but I was wearing a toasty new sweater Francie gave me, and the mittens I got from Lewis! I was the toastiest birdwatcher on the levy for sure.
Got a fair bit of cleaning done this afternoon, and got the rest of my sister’s package packed and prepped to send tomorrow. There are a ton of dishes to do, but having stacked them all together they seem a whole lot less daunting than they did last night. Lewis is gone for the weekend at Weaselfest, so I should get the chance to get them all done and get the rest of the house tidied up too. Might hang out with the Lawyers if I get lonely. It’ll be nice to be in Davis for once while Lewis is at Weaselthing! Life isn’t nearly so daunting with the in-laws in walking distance, especially with Emily home! I also got to get some more of my presents squared away – got all my flours stowed in my new storage guys (which are fantastic!) and had two whole cups of toasty, toasty tea from my new tea pot, on my mug warmer! I always leave my cups half drank and cold, so this is a serious improvement on my situation.
Good times. Good, relaxing, toasty, wonderful times!
Christmas
Merry Christmas, everyone.
It’s past midnight, so I guess that makes this technically the day after, but no worries. It’s been a heck of a couple of days. Got all the presents we needed bought and sent and wrapped and etc., etc., etc., though sadly my sister’s present didn’t make it to Seattle due to snow. I’m pretty bummed about that one. But I had the most uplifting post-Christmas chat with her on the phone about an hour ago, and it really made my whole day. I know sometimes I can be way too aloof to be a good friend, let alone a good sister, but I’m trying to make that better. I was really glad to get ahold of Lisa tonight and see how everything went and whine at her about stuff that went wrong and celebrate stuff that went right and talk about all the great food we made and all the neat things we got and good times we had. I had a nice chat with Mom and Dad this morning, too, though a bit short due to my phone running out of batteries. Sigh. We made it, we’re not destitute, everyone seemed passably pleased, and it wasn’t just me who was feeling a little Christmas funk this year. It’s a funky time.
And now I’m going to sleep, and dream, and wake up refreshed. And enjoy all the wonderful thoughful things my husband gave me, and all the warm, comfy things my in-laws gave me, and maybe even have a big cup of delicious tea out of the most beautiful tea set this side of St. Petersburg. Perhaps with pictures to follow.
And to all, a good night.
I am
exhausted
cowed
aprehensive
anticipatory
resigned
nervous
steeled
defeated
relaxed
blessed
loved
okay.
——————–
Made Christmas cookies today. Spent all day mixing, rolling, cutting, baking, frosting, and fraternizing. Saw immediate and extended Lawyer family. Wasn’t sure how well it went off… seemed like the actions were there without the cheer, somehow, though looking back on it now that can’t have been true. I guess it’s just not the same without my sister and Lonnie. I miss Lisa, and I’m really not looking forward to Christmas this year. I feel like I did a shit job with presents, and I don’t know how I could have done better. I’m worried about making phone calls on Christmas day to try and sound enthused about what I sent, though it was the best I could do with my time, money, and resources this year. I guess I just don’t like sending anything but the best to my sister and my parents, and I didn’t give anything anywhere near what they deserve this year. Stupidly, this all makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong, like said something I shouldn’t have, and I should be in trouble for this sort of behavior. Boo.
Here’s to tomorrow, which is now today, and it being more cheerful and lighthearted.
Christmastime in the City
I’m feeling rather overdone, but in a delightful way.
Lewis and I got up early so we could spend the day Christmas shopping in the City. Got out of the house about 10, and there wasn’t any traffic or anything on the 80. Yay! Got to Berkl in good time, and got ourselves on the Bart. Oh, how I love the Bart! We even got the full Bart experience – a screaming, swearing guy threatening to break some other guy’s jaw. We waited a good while at Montgomery while the Bart police showed up and the guy eventually got off. Sigh. Holidays stressing folks out, I guess. Anyway. Eventually made it to Powell and Union Square to begin shopping!
Sadly almost all the stores we were intending to visit were completely gone. Not the big ones, like Gumps and Williams Sonoma, but all the little stores, even – sadly! – the MOMA store were gone! Really put a crimp in the shopping plans and left me a bit lacking in backup ideas. Had a great day anyway, though, seeing the sites of the City and milling about. Got a few great presents bought, and got a few things for myself as well. Lewis and I even managed to fit in a movie (Despereaux) and had coffee in a lovely room in the St. Francis. Got home without too much trouble, and now here I am, exhausted. Long and fruitful day.
I’m a bit nervous about tomorrow, we’re hosting a cookie decorating party! People are going to be showing up in the early afternoon, so hopefully that’ll give me enough time to get everything baked up and ready to go. I’ll cross my fingers for myself…
Dreaming of a Puce Christmas
I feel like I’m starting to get antsy for the new quarter. It’s great that I feel this way already, so soon after the last quarter ended. I feel envigorated, enthused by my coursework, and ready to plunge headlong into it all again. I already miss the routine, the sense of purpose, the daily friend visits, and the challenges. I miss feeling like my days have a purpose. I’m never great at being unemployed unless I’m actually on vacation somewhere. Having a bunch of household busywork to do isn’t really satisfying my want to create and to succeed, though I think at least half of that is because I’m not creative enough to inspire myself to do something big. And I think this must be part of the reason I’ve been so moody this week.
The other part, as always, is the general holiday ennui I get. I know after enough holidays in my new environment all this will be something to look forward to, too, but for now, all that occupies my mind is how much the holidays are lacking in the things that really mean “holidays” to me. I’m trying my best to make that not true, by doing all my own traditions the best I can, but it’s odd when I feel like I’m the only force behind them and that they’re inherantly not special to anyone else. I’m looking forward to the cookie decorating party on Tuesday… I’m making mom’s old standby sour cream cookies and frosting them with all the little sprinkles and candies Steeny sent down, and even using my same old cookie cutters that Mom must have sent me at some point.
I do a lot of yearning for forgotten items and things of my life that Mom and Dad threw away, but Chrsitmas is one time when all this stuff really shines for me. Mom must have known how important all this Christmas stuff was (is) to me, because out of all that I lost, I have so much of the real Christmas stuff. I have most my favorite tree ornaments, and I have my stocking, and I even have my cookie cutters so I can make the very same people, the very same candy canes, and the very same stars I’ve been decorating for as long as I can remember. I know every place the cookies tend to fall apart (boy’s arms), which cutters you have to push down extra hard on (candy cane), and it’s as if every possible decorating scheme is already there in my head. And I can remember all the great decorating parties of yore.. like the time Lonnie turned a boy into the terminator, or the ones we frosted all in puce… this year I think I might even make some dinosaurs!
These holidays to stress me out, both in the regular gift-buying ways, and in the mental fighting-off-resignment kind of ways, but every year I think they get better. And they’re always so lovely with the Lawyers.
To ponder.
Oh holiday cheer, why are you so fleeting?
Candied everything
Whoo! Finished 3 of 5 of xmas gifts today, and they turned out pretty darn well. Looking forward to the last couple!
What else happened today… boy, not much. Finished the book I was reading. Went over to the Lawyers’ place for dinner (yummy meat loaf!) and did puzzles and had egg nog and such. Holidays!
Now I’m all tuckered out again. Just a few days left till Christmas… and nada mucho left to do. It feels so good to have gotten the family gifts off, though I’m looking forward to getting my sister’s birthday stuff soon. Might go hit up the city on Monday. So festive!
Alright. I guess I’m too tired to really blog properly tonight. Hurrah for holidays. Off to bed.
Bing, etc.
Not feeling so much like blogging tonight… I’ve got a snuggly kitty and a snuggly husband both waiting for me in bed. I’ll only list today’s triumphs (and note that today was also a day lacking in failures):
- mailed north and southbound packages!
- mailed christmas cards!
- finished 2nd of 5 xmas made-food goods
- started 3 of 5!
- also started first attempt at homemade yogurt… will check in tomorrow
- ordered pizza, since food-makings were fairly exhausting
- picked up bike from bike shop! like new!
- got another few christmas presents squared away
- saw Lewis’ family (including sister!) and had a nice evening with them
- watched a Bing Crosby movie!
Phew. Good day. Tomorrow’s feeling like it’s going to be even better, since I think I’ll be able to wake up to the feeling that I’ve not got anything reaaaally pressing to do. Woot to that.
We all want you to go, so what’s the hold up?
Hurrah for game nights. This was a good one! It’s always lovely to have Heather and Kevin over… and I really needed it today.
I got up pretty early, but it was so cold outside I didn’t really want to get up. Frost all over, and even at 9:00 it was still only 32 degrees by my thermometer! Warmed up decently as the day wore on, certainly nothing like the big snow they’re getting back home. I’d give just about anything to be stuck in Seattle inside a toasty house and surrounded by snow. Listening to everyone get all giddy and half-assedly panicking about it is enough to make me pretty homesick.
I’ve been feeling a bit like I’m in a void lately. I’ve sent out several emails about nothing important, but not heard back from anyone. I started to wonder if my email was even working. I made some phone calls, appointments, all that… but as soon as I’ve done it, it no longer feels real. I’ve taken care of some business, but it doesn’t actually effect my life. I just go on, through the motions, doing what ever it is I told myself I was supposed to be doing… not because I want to, but because some past me decided I was supposed to, and so that’s what I do. It’s a little like I’m driving as fast as I can down the freeway with no destination, but with a series of directions that say “turn left now” and apply regardless of my location. For instance, tomorrow I know I must send two packages. I can’t remember what I’m putting in them, and keep forgetting whether or not I’m done shopping for the people they are intended for. But regardless, the physical boxes with peoples names written on them will be sent and thus Christmas will be saved. I guess.
Which is why we needed to have company over tonight. To make me operate in the present. To make me make decisions that had immediate real-world application. To make me feel like I have my shit together even when I clearly do not. Though sometimes I think that maybe I do have my shit together, but I just don’t know it, and that makes me feel like I’m losing it. I feel like one of those tiny dogs who can chase its tail until it gets dizzy and falls over. I’m getting dizzy, and I’m not doing anything more worthwhile than pursuing the feeling that what I’m looking for is right outside my vision. If only I could turn around fast enough to catch it, I’d have hope and cheer and holiday joy.
Nights like this make me wonder if this is what’s hard about graduate school as a concept – not the workload, but the mental distraction and state of constant movement. At this point in my life, with this focus on wanting roots and family, it seems like I should be working in some decent paying job so I could afford all the presents I wanted to send, and so I could spend the money and take the time off to see my family, and maybe even start a family of our own. But all of that seems infinitely more put-off-able than postponing (i.e., never getting) your PhD. And I’ve wanted a PhD way longer than I’ve wanted a family, though it seems callous to measure it by that standard. Everything seems callous when you measure it against giving your everything for your children, even those of the future unborn type.
I just don’t know what it’s all about.
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